Friday, September 7, 2007

Family Evaluation

It's that time of year again for me to objectively evaluate my family's progress. In all, we're learning and growing, but we have some room for improvement.

Max - First of all, you need to learn how to vomit better. Let's start with the stance. A typical vomiting position is similar to the prayer position (which you may be unfamiliar with as a 3-year-old atheist). Get on your knees, bend over, and hold the edges of the bucket or toilet firmly. Last week, when you vomited, you stood upright in the middle of the kitchen floor, held your hands at your sides as if you were speaking in an auditorium, and vomited. To your credit, you took steps backward as the puddle grew larger, and you complained only briefly about your socks getting wet. Still, let's work on our form, shall we? Preparation is the key; the readiness is all.

Second, it's one thing to claim you're potty trained and then, um, not be. But when you evacuate your bowels while wearing only underpants, please don't "fling" your personal detritus. Your mother is too short to clean the ceiling. If we lived in the Netherlands, this activity might be acceptable, but the United States is a clean, well-lighted place. Let's treat it as such.

Luke - Don't look at your shoes while you're running in a race. It slows you down. Also, when playing a thrilling game such as Sorry, try to contain your excitement. There is absolutely no reason to vomit when one of your pieces gets to Home.

Wendy - You need to be better at anticipating when I'm to come home for dinner. Currently, you take what I say too literally, and this causes problems. If I tell you I'll be leaving work at 5:00, you should be able to tell by the timbre of my voice whether I'll really leave at 5:00 or 5:45. Also, I noticed you've been lying around the house a lot the last couple of days. I know that you had abdominal surgery yesterday, but let's remember what Benjamin Franklin said, "He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else."

Me - I need to improve my cycling speed first and foremost. I also need to become a more responsible television viewer. I cancelled HBO, which was probably a mistake just as Flight of the Conchords was taking off. We all have our crosses to bear.