The Twins' First T-Ball Game

I don't think 4-year-olds should be playing organized sports. Wendy does, which is why Luke and Max played in their first game on Saturday. I thought about staying home in protest, but the allure of watching pre-schoolers try to figure out which hand to put their mitts on was just too tempting.

I was actually surprised by the quality of play.

As batters, most of the kids ran the proper way around the bases after the expected amount of delay. As fielders, most of the kids managed to trap or chase down a hit ball and -- after the expected amount of delay -- throw it in the general direction of first base.

Yes, there was crying in T-Ball.

I found it interesting that all the crying was done by boys. The girls remained stout and steadfast during play, their casual spitting and crotch-grabbing a sign that the emasculation of our culture extends its reach into our very pre-schools.

One boy on our team (the Buttercups) was crying so hard that he wasn't able to bat. His mother pulled him from the lineup. So I hit for him. Now one thing I'll say is that the bats used are ridiculously small, making it difficult to get leverage. Although a few parents and coaches scowled, I reckoned that driving the ball hard into centerfield would turn their disapproval into envy.

When I swung, I hit both the plastic tee and the bottom of the ball. As I mentioned, the bat was ridiculously small, so the ball traveled only a few feet. I wanted the umpire to declare it a foul ball since the tee itself flew nearly as far as the ball, but he signaled it was in play.

Well, you can imagine the argument that followed. I slammed down my helmet and kicked dirt all over home plate, and then I kicked dirt all over the umpire's shoes. While I was trying to dig out the home plate so I could hurl it towards the pitcher's mound, I was secretly hoping that our coach would step in and take over the argument to keep me from getting ejected, but let's just say he didn't have my back.

After that, it got a little out of control. Fortunately, I managed to stay out of the legal system, and we all managed to come out of our first T-Ball game unscathed.