"Congratulations! Your entry into the Leadville Trail 100 Mountain Bike Race has been accepted. Complete race packets including lodging info, maps and other general information will be mailed to you by May 1."
The fact that I have been accepted in this race puts me in the top 500 cyclists in the world. You see, this is a great race that elite athletes all across the world enter. Only 800 or so athletes are elected to race, and of those 800, roughly 300 are undeserving goofballs who are out of shape or who wear tennis shoes and skateboard helments and ride Huffy bikes that have not been lubricated properly. Since I am not one of the goofballs, that means I am one of the elite athletes, so please send me money or inspirational thoughts.
I know that being accepted into this race is not the final step in my fitness program. Indeed, I'm looking at it as more of a starting point than a finishing point, which gives me a leg up on some of my competition. After a trip to Disneyland and Super Bowl festivities, I weigh 182 pounds. That's a full 20 pounds below the obesity line and 140 pounds below the morbid obesity line, so let's just say I'm off to a good start. That's why eating a big brownie with three scoops of ice cream last night didn't really set me back, especially since it's the last brownie and it was delicious.
Enough resting on laurels. I'm ready to start training.
DTOF (Desired Time of Finish): 11:30.
CETFIROT (Current Estimated Time of Finish If the Race Occurred Today): Drop out at mile 60.
PETFWIR (Projected Estimated Time of Finish Which Is Redundant): 11:59.