So what's special about this incident? Well, let me tell you. The light turned red at the busy intersection of 34th and Stone. Over the years, I've fantasized about this happening, especially when people throw things at me or buzz me for no reason. In my fantasy, I get off my bike, pull the unsuspecting hilljack out of the open window, and punch him out. As I rolled up to this car, I wondered what to do. I was mad but not furious. In most cases like this, I calm myself down quickly -- too quickly -- and responsibly avoid confrontation, which can easily be interpreted as cowardice. That was in the back of my mind. Still, I knew I had to do something. So I pulled up to the car and looked inside. The women driving the car was a big ugly mess wearing a muumuu, and I didn't know whether she was the kid's mother or girlfriend or whore. The kid in the passenger seat looked like he was between the age of 17 and 30. I measured him up quickly. He was smaller than me, and right or wrong, I'm not afraid of anyone who's smaller than me.
"Hey, what's your prob-" I started to say, apparently deciding on the lecture route.
"FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE!," the kid shouted.
The mother/wife/whore apparently feared for her son/husband/John, and decided to take a sudden right turn at the red light. I told the kid using my angry voice that he was a fucking coward, but that wasn't good enough. Now was my chance to finally do something. So here's what I did. As the car pulled forward, I spat into the open back window. I don't know quite what to think of this. On one hand, it's childish and disgusting and maybe a little bit cowardly, but there's a different part of me that thinks this was exactly the right thing to do, and that even someone like Jesus would have spat in that situation. Gandhi probably would have just popped the kid outright since he was the quiet type. When the kid saw me spit, he twisted around furiously, shouted various fuck words, and acted like he wanted to get out of the car. The woman sped off.
In this description, I'm making it sound like I was calm, introspective, and maybe even bemused, but that's not the case. I was in a snit. Twitterpated. As I was trying to simmer down, I looked around and noticed I had an audience. There were about a dozen joggers and cyclists waiting for the light to turn green. They were all staring at me. Also staring at me were the passengers in one of those Duck Tour boats that float and drive around Seattle. The tour guide was saying something about the incident, but I couldn't tell what he was saying because Ira Glass was still talking in my ear buds. A few people in the tour boat were clapping for whatever reason. Maybe their applause was related to me or maybe it wasn't, but they were definitely staring at me. After what seemed like about ten minutes of waiting, the light finally, mercifully, turned green.