Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Here are the best ones I can find. Let me know if you have others:
"Quasimodo predicted all of this." -Bobby
"She's an albacore around my neck." -Johnny Soprano, about his wife Livia
Christopher claims that Issac Newton created gravity after someone hit Newton in the head with an apple.
"I agree with that Senator Sanitorium. He says if we let this stuff go too far, pretty soon we'll be fucking dogs." -Tony, talking to Dr. Melfi about homosexuality
"Revenge is like serving cold cuts." - Tony
"A pint of blood costs more than a gallon of gold." -Little Carmine, ever waxing philosophical
"We're in a fucking stagmire." Little Carmine, who I predict will run for President as a Republican in the season finale
At the screening, Little Carmine's daughter points out the interesting juxtaposition of the crucifix with the creepy figurine, to which Little Carmine replies, "You're very observant: the sacred and the propane."
"I give him his present, this mellifluous box..." - Little Carmine.
"A guy like that is going out with a woman, he could technically not have penissary contact with her Volvo" - Tony
"There's no stigmata connected with going to a shrink" - Little Carmine
"Create a little dysentery in the ranks" -Christopher
"You know, Sung Tizzoo! The Chinese Prince Matchabelli!" -Paulie
"...what with the passing of Vito Sr., and all that entrails." - Tony, psychologizing about Vito Jr.'s adolescent difficulties (Thanks, Glen)
"I was prostate with grief." -Tony
"This alteration with Coco..." -Little Carmine to Tony, after Tony had kicked the teeth out of Coco's head. This is my favorite kind of malaprop, where the second meaning actually makes sense. There was an alteration during the altercation.
"You're at a precipice of an enormous crossroads." -Little Carmine
Let me know if you have any others. I'll be updating the list, and maybe adding a movie clip of my favorite Little Carmine scene. If I recall, he throws out about five malaprops in less than a minute. For now, here's a different treat:
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
- Whenever I bust my friends' chops for not updating their blogs, they come back with, "Well, you don't even have a blog anymore." Now they have no rejoinder, so they can either bow their e-heads in shame or get back on their butts and write another entry.
- I love reading other people's blogs. Ergo, the Golden Rule demands that I try to contribute something entertaining to our little e-community. I'm not limiting myself to a tight format like Top 5 Lists, so the lack of gimmickry will inevitably make this less popular for reasons that I can only guess at. (By the way, here's an interesting stat. While creating a link from my old blog to this one, I discovered that the site I abandoned a year ago still gets 200 hits a week. It'll be a long time before this blog gets even that popular, if it ever does. It'll be our little secret.)
- Third, I want to write an ongoing series of entries called "Great Movie Scenes" by combining the power of YouTube with my acute cinematographic eyeball.
So here we go. Taxi Driver. Travis Bickle. It's hard to call anyone a loveable psychopath, especially in light of the misfit who recently went on a killing spree at Virginia Tech, so let's just call Mr. Bickle likeably unstable. Upset about all the scummy low-lifes he sees on the streets, he's helpless, hapless, and utterly alone. In one great scene, Travis makes a stab at fitting in by taking a Senator's campaign worker on a date. Unfortunately, his idea of charming her – taking her to an X-rated movie – is pathetically unsuccessful. You don't know whether to laugh or cry. This leads to my favorite scene in the movie. Travis is sitting alone in his apartment watching American Bandstand while idly holding the barrel of a handgun near his forehead.
The loneliest character in the history of movies is not only watching television alone, but he's also watching young people dancing together to the Jackson Browne's song, "Late for the Sky." The American Bandstand clip is perfect, from the pan & zoom to the empty shoes lying on the floor to the black men dancing with white women during the racially charged 70s to the song's lyrics:
Awake again I can't pretend and I know I'm alone
And close to the end of the feeling we've known
How long have I been running for that morning flight
Through the whispered promises and the changing light
Of the bed where we both lie
Late for the sky
You know, there's just no place for a weirdo who despises weirdos. It's a perfect scene.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
1. If your friends jump off a bridge, would you jump too?
I'm going to need a little more context to answer that question. If my friends were jumping to their deaths as part of a suicide pact, I like to think that I would find a way out of the arrangement. If a herd of rhinoceroses are charging my friends and me, I may very well follow my friends over the bridge railing. How tall is the bridge? Does it span water?
2. Don't you know that children are starving in Africa?
I compartmentalize my willingness to eat lima beans and my desire to contribute money to African food programs. I think you should do the same.
3. Do you want me to pull the car over?
That won't make any difference. I'm still going to pinch my sister when she claims Jimmy Carter would be a better president than Gerald Ford. I can take whatever something you give me to cry about.
4. Isn't it about time you started taking some responsibility around here?
This answer hasn't changed. No.
5. Were you born in a barn?
No, I was born in a hospital, but you already knew that. I think this was a rhetorical question designed to make me feel silly for leaving the door open, so let's address that issue. Frankly, I don't mind leaving the door open. If flies come in the house, we can catch them and convert them into ants. If you're worried about excessive climate control expenses, I don't mind paying the bills with the money that grows on trees.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Leadville is my favorite race for three reasons:
- The belt buckles. If you finish in under 12 hours, you get a belt buckle and a sweatshirt with your name and time on it. Personally, I'd prefer the sweatshirt without my name and time on it, because the name and time are dorky in a Hey, look at me, I'm kind of a mediocre jock way. Still, it's a trophy that you can earn. In most races where you finish in 352nd place out of 630 riders, there's no reward. You lose. And for the fast, fast guys who train year-round wearing heart monitors but aren't quite fast enough to vie for overall victory, they can win a bigger belt buckle by finishing in under 9 hours. My friend Elden even hired a personal trainer so that he can break the 9-hour barrier. It's a simple strategy, but as far as I know Leadville is the only race that offers goal-oriented rewards for the masses. I don't even know where my belt buckles are from previous races, and no one really cares whether I finish, but when I'm training for the race, I need that buckle. I don't even wear belts, let alone big ugly buckles. They don't go well with my stretch pants.
- It's a big event. Leadville is about 20 miles from Vail, but it's basically an abandoned mining town (they used to mine lead there). It struggles to make it as a resort town. Riders have to be there the morning before the race, so the town fills up with giddy cyclists wanting to eat pasta and drink beer and chit-chat. And this year, Lance Armstrong signed up for the race but had to drop out, probably because Floyd Landis also signed up for the race. The three of us account for the last 8 Tour de France victories.
- The unrivaled support. When you're struggling like a little camper, volunteers try to buck you up. There's an odd sense that you'll let people down if you don't finish.
So here are my goals. I want to weigh no more than 170 pounds by race time. I want to be in good enough shape so that if I ride well under good conditions, I can finish in under 12 hours.